I didn’t exactly mean to, but I took a year off from blogging. Somehow a few weeks and months turned into a full year. Some of it was weariness. Life exploded into a new kind of busy after the arrival of our sweet baby Boaz. Part of it was feeling unable to share the weight on our hearts through the early stages of adoption, to be as open as I’ve trained myself to be. In hindsight, I wish I had just written blog posts, but never published them. Instead, I left a lot unsaid, unexpressed, un-shared and isolated myself & our story.
It’s a shame really. We went into this process intending to share so much, to add our voices to the rising awareness of open adoption & helping to break stigmas around adoption, infertility and miscarriage. Instead, I let fear win.
I stopped the words from flowing onto this blog and into social media. I found myself examining & reexamining every photo I considered posting. It wasn’t true paranoia, but I was always on guard. Not myself. Carrying that extra tension, tightness and weight around. Holding back.
I’m tired of holding back.
Trouble is, I don’t know exactly how to being again.
After shutting myself down over & over this past year, it’s hard to re-ignite the flow of words. More than writer’s block, it’s a blockage of the heart. Ask me to write about our farm & the animals we care for, and things come freely. Ask me to write about the precious life that was blessed to our family in the form of a new son & added an entire new family tree, and words fail.
I’m worried, I haven’t let myself “feel” the full weight of this experience. I just stayed in a survival mode. It’s going to be process to get out of that and embrace the freedom of sharing again. But I want to try. I need to.