I’ve been absent from this space for quite a while. Absent from a lot of things, actually. And yet, I can’t believe it hasn’t even been quite a month since my oldest brother passed away. Every week feels like forever.
Our small family gathered yesterday to bury him in the Queen’s Park Cemetery. A chilly autumn day, fitting for such a solemn task. No speeches were said. Not many words left at this point. Just tears and hugs, and photos. My family can’t do anything without taking photos. I suppose it will be a way to remember his urn and the collection of things we buried him with. We each had items to put inside his urn vault, symbolic things to keep him company as he goes forward.
I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so weary. There’s been plenty of challenges and hardships for my family in the past several years, many of them revolving around Blake, and I was weary then. This, though, is so very different. In previous years, there was the weariness of the unknown, the worry of what may or may not happen, trying to brace ourselves for different possibilities and outcomes. But now, the outcome has been determined, our worse fear has come to pass, and he is gone. Just like that. Sudden in so many ways, though not completely unexpected. And not without some relief mingled in all the hurt. Maybe that’s why I feel so extraordinarily weary… the crazy mix of emotions… missing him and yet glad he no longer suffers, grieving a death while anticipating the birth of our first child, looking back at so many memories while needing to look forward… it’s tough to say the least. I’m sure anyone who has lost a loved one can relate.
I’ve had to make a few changes lately to keep my health and sanity. First off, I’m no longer working at the doggie daycare. I’m missing all the pups like crazy, but there was just no room in my schedule to continue doing that, while we deal with everything else. There is now just two and half weeks until my first Christmas craft fair! That alone feels insane and overwhelming. There is a lot of crafting that needs to happen and I’m tempted to enlist help (one of my big weaknesses, but I’ll may need to overcome it if I want to get enough inventory made). Hubby and I are also on a mission to get the nursery set-up and get a bit more organized for the arrival of baby. Who really wants to go shopping for all the basic baby things during the Christmas craziness?! Certainly not us. We’ve even started looking into hiring a postpartum doula to give us a hand. Given the year we’ve had, we thought it might be a good idea to have the extra support while we learn to take care of baby.
As busy as it all is, I’m also very aware of breathing in each moment a bit more. Taking the time to watch my belly and marvel at the kicks baby can already produce. Not wanting to miss the glowing yellow trees during this lovely autumn we’re having. Even just enjoying that fact that hubby and I get to eat breakfast together most mornings and many, many, more blessings.
Hoping that in the midst of all of life’s craziness, you’re able to stop for a few moments each day and marvel at just being here.