When What You Least Expect, Happens

An alternate title might be Taking the road less traveled, even if you really don’t want to, because that’s what it feels like my hubby and I are doing.

We started this journey to have a family over six years ago. In that time, I’ve had a highly invasive abdominal myomectomy, two miscarriages and one rough c-section resulting, finally, in a healthy baby boy. Truly, we are blessed with our little Sammy, but we’ve longed for so very much more.

Since 2009, I’ve had two phrases pressing down on me “uterine fibroids” & “hysterectomy”. I’ve written in the past about my struggle with uterine fibroids and this quote seems to sum it all up nicely,

 

“Of all the things we’d struggled through, surely getting pregnant would be the least difficult. This strange fibroid discovery derailed all my preconceived notions of easy or straightforward childbearing.”

 
It had never occurred to me that getting pregnant for us wouldn’t be “easy”. Friends seemed to have very little difficulty. We were relatively healthy and young and we’d worked hard to establish a stable work & home life. We had lots of family support. It was the ideal situation to welcome little babies into the world. But, in all our careful planning & waiting, we’d forgotten about one thing. Our lives are not our own. As I would later experience in the death of my brother and mother, there are some things that happen, that we just can’t understand. More importantly, we don’t need to understand.

My first batch of huge fibroids were removed in 2010. After all the daily discomfort and monthly misery, I was happy to have them out and finally get another chance to try for kids. After one miscarriage, I finally became pregnant with our Sam. While I was pregnant with him, we discovered that more fibroids had started to grow. The stupid things made Sam’s delivery even more difficult and for several moments, quite scary. By the time he was about nine months old, I could start to see and feel the fibroids again. For a good two years now, I have been walking around looking pregnant, being congratulated on my pregnancy and slowly having to go back to wearing my maternity clothes, NOT because I am growing a precious child in there, but because I’m growing massive begnin tumors.

I put off what started to feel inevitable for a number of reasons. First, because we were still trying, praying & hoping to have another child. And second, it was far too overwhelming to deal with while watching my mom struggle through her battle with cancer.

After a recent and devastating miscarriage (the same week as my mom’s funeral), I could no longer put off the decision that needed to be made. It felt like I had carried the possibility with me for six years. In fact, many of the decisions for how I did things with Sam as a baby was due to a feeling deep in my heart, that he may very well be our only one. I cherished feeling him move inside of me, watching all the movements of my belly. I sacrificed a lot to nurse him as long as he wanted. I adored those middle-of-the-night cuddles and all the naps we shared together, listening to him breathe and feeling his warmth. No regrets now, just much longing to do it all again with another.

But now for that inevitable decision. To have a hysterectomy. At the age of 34. A painful reality. Far from an easy choice. I’m not one to give up on too much and this feels like giving up A LOT.

But I’m so exhausted. So very, very done. Done with literally carry this huge weight around. Having more bad days than good. Having awful pain eat into my precious time with Sam. Done being mistaken as pregnant. Done feeling helpless and mostly, done being so down on myself. I want to get back to myself. I’ve been working on some of the mental issues there, but my physical situation is a big wall I can’t wait to break down.

So once again, I’m putting this all into His hands. Trusting that if it be His will, one day, we will get to hold another baby in our arms. I might not be able to physically birth that child, but they will be ours through & through. We have a lot more love to give.

For now, I’ll be focusing on my recovery. Getting healthy for myself & my family. Surgery is on Friday. Prayers for a smooth physical & mental recovery are very much welcome. They will lift me up as I face this new reality.

PS – Thank you for being gentle with me. I’ve very much avoided being photographed up to this point. It’s pretty hard to hide anything these days and I get so tired trying to hide. I hope at least, that someone else might see these photos and know that they are not alone in their suffering. Fibroids suck. They can be so much more than an “inconvenience”. As you can see, they can be life changing.

{The Etsy shop will remain open, but there will be shipping delays. No new product will be listed, and sadly no custom orders will be taken at this time.}